Archive | May 2012

Finding myself

I have been reflecting on the last few months of my life. The changes I have made and the things that I have done. Each day I wake to new challenges and new missions that must be met and conquered. I let go of some people that brought me down and tried in vain to explain how and why I have changed to no avail.

After a few hours of crying and praying I now know that I still have to give up more things and leave more people behind. People that are toxic to my soul, destructive to my path and harmful to my heart. 

Why do we feel the need to be so vile and cruel? Why do we tend to rub our good deeds in someone’s face when we don’t get our way? I am FAR from perfect but I work extremely hard to make sure I don’t say “hey, I did this this and this for you.” 

For the last month some people I care for dearly have done some wonderful and AMAZING things for me and my daughter. I am so grateful and always follow up with saying thank you. 

My mind wandered a few nights ago when I was told that I should have been more grateful and that I never say Thank You and that I do “act” like I am grateful for the things that people have done for me. The first thing that popped into my ever analyzing brain was “What more am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to crawl on my hands and knees and kiss the toes of those that have been there for me?” My pride has often prevented me from even asking for help. (Especially, when my mother was ill and no one was around to help) I was always afraid to ask for help because I didn’t want it used against me. It hurts to not be able to do certain things and it is humiliating to ask for help but it needed to be done.

I cried in the arms of those that love me and they know how much it took from me to allow myself to speak up. Some people just come through. 

Am I not thankful enough? I don’t think so. I have discussed this with friends, family and even enemies. Friends and family said No but I took their answers as invalid. 

The most shocking was the answers from my enemies (people that I have cut out of my life, fought with and had some of the worst life experiences with). One told me “You have never been ungrateful, the real problem is that no one tries to see your heart and hear you when you speak. I may not like you but I respect you strength and perseverance. I have never met a stronger woman.” Another said “You’re not ungrateful, your real problem is being around horrible people.”

After reading this and several other replies from people (that went back to hating me *rolls eyes*) I cried something terrible, went for a walk, prayed and then fell asleep. 

I now realize that some people don’t see me for who I am. They see what they want me to be in their life. So as I assess the situations in my life I see myself walking the path of self discovery and self worth. With that said, I don’t allow the actions of others destroy the progress I let is stay behind as an obstacle that I will defeat. Finding myself has never been more exciting……….

 

Find yourself, Love yourself and be at peace with yourself and those who are with you at your lowest with surely be the ones to celebrate with you when you’re at your highest

 

LOVE PEACE AND JOY

Sha-Nay

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